Is winning that argument really worth it?

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Salam alaykum warahmatullah,

So I saw this post on Instagram by @asake-okin and it inspired me to share this…

Ok..  So I had a major ‘fight’ with this very dear friend a few days ago that practically split us in half. Silly thing really; a lot of it could have been avoided if only I’d mastered the art of guarding my mouth. Lol…  I won’t go into details but suffice it to say it was bloody. Anger is such a strong emotion that if not properly managed can kill a generation. 

I’m generally very passionate about my beliefs and I sometimes go beyond borders to defend them. You would think I would do better especially as I had just attended a very nice and enlightening workshop on managing people where I learned to harness my inner diplomacy in dealing with situations.

Anyway, one important thing I have come to learn is this – not everyone will agree with you! Not everyone will understand your point of view! And most of all, sometimes it’s easier to just let go. We live, we learn I guess.

Later, in analysing the matter and seeking advice, I learnt quite a lot. There are so many virtues in the teaching of the Prophet (SAW) that if we adopt in our everyday lives would make us not only good mu’minun but also give us so much peace and contentment. The Prophet (SAW) said as reported by Abu Umamah Al-Bahili (RA): “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a home in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.”[Abu Dawud].

These are some of the things I learnt and wish I’d known then and put to use. Truth is most of these are not new things, we just need to be reminded every once in a while.

1. It’s not about the argument or the fight, it’s about the approach.
2. You can win an argument without actually having the argument or a fight. Picking the right battles is very important.
3. You get a lot of goodwill by saying I’m sorry. An honest apology goes a long way to douse whatever fire is breeding.
4. Personal ego and pride is good, it helps your self-esteem but when not properly channeled, they destroy more than they build. Humility is a core virtue for every Muslimah. Be humble!
5. Think long and deep before making a move. I now see interpersonal relationships like a chess board. You gotta calculate the consequences of every move.
6. Self-subsistence is an admirable quality in everyone, but you gotta take care to make sure it doesn’t turn into arrogance.
7. You have to learn the other person’s language and more importantly how they think and communicate. Learn about Emotional Intelligence here and here for a more detailed read.
8. When having a discussion and it gets passionate or heated, switch tactics, change topics, do something, anything, except continue down that path of destruction. Say أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم (Audhubillahi min Shaytanir Rajim) 
   

   Narrated by Sa’id ibn al-Musayyab: While the Messenger of Allah (SAW) was sitting with some of his companions, a man reviled AbuBakr and insulted him. But AbuBakr remained silent. He insulted him twice, but AbuBakr controlled himself. He insulted him thrice and AbuBakr took revenge on him. Then the Messenger of Allah (SAW) got up when AbuBakr took revenge. AbuBakr said: Were you angry with me, Messenger of Allah? The Messenger of Allah (SAW) replied: An angel came down from Heaven and he was rejecting what he had said to you. When you took revenge, a devil came down. I was not going to sit when the devil came down. [Abu Dawud]

9. On no account should you raise your voice. You are talking to fellow human being(s) not animals. Besides, studies have proven that when you speak in lower tones you actually communicate better as the other party is more inclined to listen. Narrated Qays ibn Abbad: The Companions of the Prophet (SAW), disliked shouting while fighting.
10. And lastly, think about the possible damage to your relationship with person and ask yourself if winning this particular argument is worth the damage. I always say never burn bridges.
11. Oh! I almost forgot… I learned that you have to forgive. Allah forgives us so who are we not forgive others. Even the Lord’s prayer in Christianity says .. “forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us” Matt 6:9-13. If He were to take this literally, we would probably all go to hell (God forbid).
12. Also remember, “….Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves….” Q13:11 so make an effort, work hard towards becoming a better version of you. May Allah make it easy.

We are first humans, and we live in communities with people from different backgrounds with different beliefs and core values. Cohabitation and collaboration are inevitable and where there’s difference of opinion, there’s bound to be friction. The important thing is how to handle conflicts, reduce friction and find peace in all that we do.

May Allah make it easy for me to take my own advice, and for us all to find peace and contentment in this life and the hereafter. May He forgive our shortcomings and help us find favour in everything and everyone and may He keep us in His grace.

Barakallahu lee wa lakum

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ